Thursday, May 9, 2013

I Have 15 Minutes To Spill What’s Inside

This season has been one where I walk day by day seeking God’s grace to go on with the normal—to actually see what is in front of my eyes.  Instead of worrying about what’s going on 646 miles away.

My schedule won’t let me sit still, even though I sometimes want to hide for a day.  I’m the launderer, the cook, the driver, the cleaner, the mower, the mom, the wife, the daughter, the worrier.  I wish I wasn’t the last.  I try not to be. But always in the back of my mind, I carry the burden of worry.  And it steals the joy of the moment.

In ten more minutes, I put on my smile, pick up the boys and we head to a soccer game.  The normal part of my life.  But my mind is 646 miles away.

Monday night, Dad’s pacemaker/ defibrillator kicked in and saved his life.  Thankfully, he was walking into a doctor’s appointment and help was nearby to wheel him into the ER.

I thanked God that Dad was in the right place for the crisis.

I spoke to mom Tuesday around 7:30 and she said Dad was doing well and would likely come home the next day.

At 8:00, he had a seizure and coded.  The wonderful  hospital staff brought him through the crisis.

And again, I thanked God that Dad was in the right place at the right time. 

Today, he sits in the ICU, 646 miles away, with a future that is anything but certain.  And I feel like God is asking me to do the impossible.  To leave Mom and Dad totally in His hands.

I feel like the Israelites in the wilderness who, having just witnessed the miraculous hand of God, acted as though they had not.  They fretted, and worried and wondered if they were in the right place.

Pray for me and my family, friends.  I want so badly not to let God down.  Or insult His loving care by worrying that something could happen outside of His plan.  Didn’t I just see God TWICE put Dad in exactly the right place to receive the care he would need? 

I know in my mind that God loves Mom and Dad more than anyone could.  He sees their pain.  He sees their hearts.  So why do I keep grasping for control of a situation that is totally beyond my reach?

It seems like the more I try not to cry in front of my boys, the less I can stem the flow of tears. 

After praying with my family, my little guy said, “Mom, how can I make you happy?”

I wish it were that easy.  That he could simply do something and make me happy.  To make me do what God asks us to do.  To Trust and not worry. 

In reality, I know that until I give it to God, I mean REALLY and truly give every part of my heart’s desire over to Him, I will forfeit the joy God still wants me to feel where I am.


My 15 minutes are up.  I need to get my troops ready for the evening and not worry about the fact that I haven’t been able to contact mom at all today.  My parents are totally in the Care of their Lord and Savior, the Master Physician. 

I feel a little better having spilled to you.  I hope I haven’t chased you off.  Sadly, I’m not a very good example when it comes to leaving burdens where they should be left. 

But with your prayers and reminders, I’ll try to do better.  I can’t tell you how much I appreciate your encouragement.

Love you all!


Mari said...

I'm so sorry for all you've been dealing with. I've had some of it with my Dad, but at least he's close by.
I'm also really good at giving things to God and then picking them back up again so I feel what you're saying.
I know you're also thinking ahead, knowing your Dad's prognosis isn't good and I just wanted to tell you that my Mom passed away almost 10 years ago. I always thought I would be a mess when that happened. However, although I cried and was very sad, God really gave me peace and strength as I went through that time. Just know that God doesn't give us strength ahead of time, but when we need it. He'll take care of your parents and you too.

Tracey said...

Saying a prayer for all of you - and trusting that God's peace will flood your soul!

in the coop said...

I am praying for you and your family. I pray you feel the peace and comfort God is trying to give to you. I pray for your parents and all of the people who are helping them through this. I am praying for the medical personnel who are taking good care of your father.
I am praying for your boys and your husband, who just want to help you.
Enjoy the soccer games. God wants you to. I'm guessing your dad does to.

Kim @ Homesteader's Heart said...

Oh my friend, you certainly aren't going to chase your friends off by spilling.
You are going through a hard season right now and I know the need to get things off your chest.
I'll be praying for you and your family as you walk through this portion of your life.
Keep your eyes focused on Him and 646 miles won't seem so far away.
Love you!

Cheryl Jordan said...

I am praying daily for you and your family. We all go through times of crisis and you surely won't be chasing any friends away by sharing what is in your heart. We don't know what the future holds but the Lord does, and He will get you through this one moment at a time. Please continue to let us know how your father is doing as well as yourself.

It Feels Like Chaos said...

I so sorry for what you are going through! And I can absolutely relate to how hard it is to control our feelings of worry and sadness over situations that we KNOW are in God's hands and then I add on to the mess huge feelings of guilt over not trusting God enough! I'm saying prayers for your dad and for God's peace for you, Friend.